After months of happiness on my medication, I am sad to say that I am back and square one. Except, I think I’m at even less than square one. So much has happened, so much has changed. Life as I knew it totally changed in a matter of months. I truely found Christ at summer camp, fell in love, moved 450 miles away from home, and then the love of my life broke it off. Somewhere in the mix I went off my medication, and fell into a deep hole of dispare. There are plenty of things I wish I could change, but maybe writing about it for the world to see will make me feel a little better about everything. Or at least show someone that I need help.
I guess I’ll start with summer camp, since its really the start of a tragic love story.
Last summer, Katie, a youth leader (and also the pastor’s wife) talked me into going to bible camp with the church. At first I didnt really want to go, because of my previous experience at Royal Ridges, a Christian horse camp. Katie started telling me about how fun it would be, and all the cool stuff I would get to do. She even offered to let me be in her cabin, which made me very happy, so I agreed to go. I didnt want to go by myself, so I asked one of my best friends, Krissy, to come with me. At first she didnt want to go either, but I told her I needed a friend to go with me, and she was approved for a full ride scholorship, so she went :).
The day came, and we left toward camp. Krissy and I were SO excited! When we pulled up to the church, my mom didnt want to let me go. She knew she would be missing me all that week, but she was also excited for the experiences I would get to enjoy, and hopefully, the power of God. We said goodbye, and had a couple really long hugs, and into Rolling Hills Community Church we went. When we got inside, we stood around for a few minutes, then Krissy spotted one of her friends. Robert Taylor. They hugged, and Krissy introduced us. At first I thought he was a little odd, but kinda cute. The guy I had a crush on at the time, Grant, was standing near by, and I hoped that we ended up on the same bus. They called cabin numbers, ours and Robert’s were on the same bus. I didnt care really, I was just a little sad that I couldnt spend 10 hours sitting next to the guy I liked. The bus ride out to where the camp was, was extremely long. Krissy, Robert and I shared two rows of seats with one other guy, Robert with the guy we didnt know, and Krissy and I together :). We all slept at one point or another. We took pictures and talked about random things. When me and Robert were sitting next to each other, he stuck twizlers in my water haha. I was so pissed off, but it was kind of funny :). I dont remember much else about the bus ride there, except for the fact that it was about 100 degrees outside, which made it like 120 on the bus. It smelled like a boy’s locker room sometimes, thank goodness the windows were all open.
We arrived at camp, and everyone was in a huge group around the back of the truck with all out bags and stuff in it, trying to find their luggage. Mine and Krissy’s were some of the first to go on the truck, so we were some of the last to get our stuff. We lugged our luggage up the stairs to our cabin, and then off to chapel we went. There, we met Mike, the guy that would be our “speaker” for the week during chapel. He was a really cool, down to earth guy. Everything he said seemed to drill me right in the heart, making me realize things, or making me see how special and important I really am. I had moments were I was so consumed by what he was saying that I actually cried. I loved feeling the presence of God, for the first time, I really felt like he was there.
After Chapel, we went to dinner. I dont remember what we ate that night, I just remember being exhausted and wanting to go back to the cabin and crawl into my bunk and sleep. Everyone was exhaused and stinky from sweat, but I think that night we played a night game. Haha I really dont know how any of us had the energy for a night game, but we did it anyway :).
The second day of camp we got our bracelets, mine was BLUE 11. I dont remember much other than just hanging out. Somewhere in the mix of chapel, quiet time, cabin time, meals, worship and sleep; I swam in a river for the first time, swam in the pool, and just hung out. Robert talked me into swimming in the river, and when he saw me in my new purple swim suit, I was embarrassed and self concious. That was the first day of my healing of body-image issues. Robert told me I looked amazing, and I’m not sure if he saw the scars or not, but either way I felt good about myself.
One day, towards the end of the week, Robert and I were sitting by the pool. I was tanning, and he was lying next to me, pretending to tan haha. He was talking about football and BMX and whatever else. His words, for one moment, mashed together in my ears, and the sun was hitting his skin just right. In that moment I fell in love. Something just…clicked inside of me. It would be the beggining of the greatest happiness I’ve ever known.
At the end of that week, the very last night we were there, we all gathered at the fire pit for the bonfire. Many stood in line to share testimonies and revelations. Many great things had happened that week. Krissy spoke, and Robert as well, but I dont really remember what they said, honestly. Robert was wearing my hoodie, the black and white Fox one when he spoke.
I walked up to the line, feeling compelled to say something. The weird thing was, I had no idea what I was going to say. I wasnt anxious, despite the fact that I was about to get up and talk infront of 200 plus people. What I was about to say, though, would rock my world. I walked up in front, and was handed a microphone. I stood there for a moment, not really understanding the situation. I started with “Hi, My name is Rebekah, I’m with Rolling Hills.” All the people who came with Rolling Hills screamed and cheered me on. I went on, “I realized something this week. I am beautiful, no matter what.” I started to cry, and i realized what I had said, and how my self-image battle was drawing to a close. Friends and cabin mates, and leaders from church hugged me, and told me how proud they were. Some even cried with me, because now I was finally realized what many girls never realize. I am beautiful.
After bonfire, and saying goodnight to everyone, I went back to my cabin and looked in the mirror. I saw a new girl looking back at me, one who loved herself the way she was.
The next morning I was baptised for the first time, by Branden and Katie Campbell, my pastor and his wife. It was a thrilling experience. I had been made new that week, and Robert was right there beside me.
The ride home was a blurr of naps and laughs and memories made that week. This was the start of a new life for me.
To Be Continued….