When Reality Becomes a Dream

The days seem to be blurring together at a rapid pace, but they pass by ever so slowly. I wonder what is real, and what is only a dream. When I am submerged in my dream-filled sleep, everything seems as though I am still awake. My memories mash with new and never before scenes of my life, which will most likely never happen, but sometimes do. I have trouble finding the difference between dreams and reality, and I often wonder why that is.
There is one face that seems to show up over and over again in my dreams. His eyes betray strong love, his smile always inviting. This is the way I remember him. He’s beautiful. The skin that covers him is dark, even toned, and warm. When he touches my skin, the heat is comforting. His strong arms wrapped around my waist, I remember the days when those things were real. When I would see and experience him in that way every single day. This memories take hold of me, even if I am wide awake, and force me to see them over and over and over again, until I either become numb or I just cant stand it anymore. Sometimes it is just shy of unbarable to know that those days are long gone, never to return.
I dont really understand myself sometimes. I dont really understand why I cant just let all of this go. After all, its in the past, and its probably meant to stay there. Some days I literally feel like I am in constant agony. I am so stressed, and I mourn… and I just cant shake those feelings. I am so worn out. Even the things that used to bring me the greatest joy only excites me little now. I wonder if he knows that. I wonder what he would say if he were to read this, or any of the past entries about him. I really do wonder if he would even care. And if he did, would he ever say so?
I often look at the ring on my finger, which shouldnt have to do with him, but it does. It reminds me of what we had. It feels wrong for such a beautiful gift from my parents to represent what I did with him, its a promise ring after all. It represents how weak I was. Though I dont regret what happened for a minute, I do wonder if things would have been different between us if it hadent. Would it have been different? I dont think I would have loved him less. I loved him with all my heart before we ever officially were together, he knows that. At least, I hope he does.

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