I should be happy. Excited, even. My parents are out looking at a car for me, I’m almost positive. Yay.
Today is an overcast-filled day. Depressing, but the rain wont fall. I feel like my life is a drought. Nothing left but dry, infertile, gray phases of life. The daily motions. At least today is Friday, I guess.
I feel so ungrateful. I have everything I even thought I wanted, but it turns out that its not really want I thought it would be. I was just sitting here, randomly singing like I always do, heres what I wrote:
I found the light at the end of my tunnel,
Turns out it was fake.
I see you smile, your welcoming arms
Then I wake.
Tears fall like an everlasting rain
The world disappears in an impossibly evanescent glow
I imagine everything as it should be
Please, no one wake me.
I don’t know why I wrote that, but thats what was on my heart. It seems like an impossible expanse of time has passed, and I haven’t gotten any better.
Depression is like this mountainous dessert. Dry, cold, infertile, depressing, enclosed, inescapable, impossibly beautiful. It fools you, in a way. Its beautiful, and seems inviting, but once your here, your trapped. No way out that results in a happy ending of any kind. Gloriously broken. The rain is just waiting up in those clouds, I can feel it. It wants to fall, but its held back by the fear of wastefulness. Its pointless to rain when the pores of the earth refuse to take in its nutrients, so it sits there, waiting. How long can the rain stay in those clouds, though? Eventually it is going to fall down like a waterfall from the sky, drenching everything in its sorrow and unhappiness, fouling the earths mask of amazing beauty. As the sun’s light glows in its evening evanescence, the rain isn’t so held back. The clouds figure that everyone is asleep, no one there to witness its cry of unhealthy pain. It lets a little rain fall, and before long everything has been drenched in its bitterness. The thunder rumbles, a muffled scream. By the mornings light, the earth is restored to is former beauty. The mask that hides the seemingly unexplainable rainfall of misery. Its like nothing ever happened. No pain, no sorrow, just the warm sunlight shining down from the beautiful blue sky.