Well, here I am again. Waiting. Waiting for everything and nothing. Waiting for the sun to rise. Waiting to know if I’m going home. I should be asleep. My sleep therapist is going to kill me. But for the last week, I just cant bring myself to sleep when I should. Depression does that to you some times. I am so tired and so worn out right now. Last night was… not the best of nights. I hate being upset. I think I hate it more than most people do, and its because I’m upset more than most people are. I cried and cried like a little baby. It took ativan and nicotine to get a hold of myself and I’m not proud of it. Depression is obviously not an easy thing to deal with, but I caved. Again.
So, last night, I sat and watched the night sky. I was praying that I’d get better or something. The crickets were chirping and there was a light breeze. And me. It was kind of nice, just being able to chill out for a minute and not worry about anything but going to bed when I got inside. I guess I’m just doing the best I can with what I’ve got… I just wish things were better, ya know?
I feel like theres this big hole through the middle of me, where my life, my soul, and my happiness used to reside. Fate took a dagger to me, leaving me scarred and in everlasting pain. I cant fix it. Nothing can except being home where I belong. Its been almost 10 months and I still feel this way.
Freedom. Its that one thing we always want, yet we never will. Always wanting to fly, but the wind is blowing to hard. You can see it, just sitting in front of you. Will you take your chance? Or are you chained to something. Whatever I’m chained to, it feels pretty solid. Meant to keep me here for a long time. I’ve tried everything including bulk cutters and a chain saw, and here I still sit. Im all too familiar with being chained down. Nowhere to go. Nothing to run to. Cant get away from whats chasing you long enough to take a breath. No matter how hard you try, or how badly you want it, its just out of reach. Sometimes I think that what I will always need will always be just out of reach. I run, I climb, I jump. Nothing. I get down on my knees and beg. Still, nothing. I feel so empty handed and broken hearted at the end of the day. The lights go out, and I helplessly spend another night grieving and drowning in my and my family’s sorrow. Its that chain, pulling me down again, deep into murky waters, its impossible to see the surface. I cant even surface for air. Im drowning but I wont die. Thats how it feels. Except, somehow I’m not even in water. I’m in a dried up, dead and dusty desert. I cry out with my drowned out voice, but its useless. I could scream and cry and suffer forever and a day. Still, nothing. Ive got to drown til morning comes and I can finally sleep. Theres something comforting about a sunrise. Maybe its because I know someone out there is awake, and I feel less alone. Maybe its just because the darkness is gone. My eyes are heavy, swollen from tears that forced their way out without permission. Maybe, just maybe, I can sleep a while. I wake, and my body is heavier than my muscles can manage. My limbs are limp and my throat is rough and dry. I can even think about breathing through my nose. My vision is blurred and the headache I have is completely overwhelming me. Thats what I get for allowing myself to feel anything. Coffee. Food. Aspirin. More coffee. Smile, smile. Good morning. Love you too. Im fine, really. Just couldnt sleep. More coffee. Food. TV. Yes, Im ok, Im just tired. Maybe I’ll nap… Theres no way to break the cycle. Not even getting what I want breaks it. It doesnt break it because its temporary happiness. I cant keep it. It doesnt belong to me anymore. And still, its all I want. Its all I’ll ever want. I’ll keep running to it, until I break my legs. I just want my life back. My life wasnt perfect, but it was mine. I had everything I ever wanted or needed, and then it was just gone. Like rainfall here. An hour after it rains, theres not even a trace of wetness on the ground. Not one tear drop is left. Maybe thats because the rain isnt welcome here. Everyone hates it and is grumpy to it. Maybe thats why it leaves in such a hurry. But thats not why my happiness is gone so fast. Its because I am chained. Once I barely get a taste of my old life, it pulls me back. Im clutching to everything I can get my hands on, bleeding for everything I cant let go of and wont, but the chain is stronger. Like a riptide. Like a bulldozer. Like pushing the gas petal down and hating yourself for it, hating that you dont have the guts to tell your parents no and turn the car around. My heart and my soul is in pieces on the ground. I think I ran out of glue a long time ago. Or I just cant find it. I’ll run to everything I need forever, and because of the chains and locks, nothing. Still… nothing. Just, nothing…
I hate those days when you feel like at any moment you might cry. I have those days way too often. Dont you think after 9 months I’d be a little less heartbroken? A little less depressed? If time heals everything… I must need a lot of time. Why is that? Am i different? I think so. Do I need help? Probably. Will I get it soon? Sure. If you call going home for 2 weeks help. I know I do. I think the real question is, when will I get to move back home? Will I ever get to? Probably not.
Sometimes I really do wonder if this pain and suffering will ever end. I hope it does because I really dont like it. I hate it. Its wearing me down and tearing me apart. I dont like feeling like this. I feel like at any moment I might just go off the deep end. I feel so… unstable or something.
What doesnt make sense to me is how I can be just fine around people most of the time, but the minute I am in a room or wherever alone, I feel like the world is crashing down on me. Sometimes my heart pounds and breathing gets harder. Sometimes I cant even hold my tears back. Its amazing. I dont even know why or how I can get so upset so fast. Its like I’m holding it all in for the right moment, when I’m alone. My body gets heavy and everything around me just laughs hysterically at my miserable sight.
Twisted, isnt it?
I just hope I get to go home soon.
Ever feel like you’re running to something, at the same time you’re running away from something else? Thats kind of how I feel today. I’m running to home, while I’m running away from home. Still with me? I’m running to my real home, and running away from this crazed life I’m trying to live right now. This isn’t where I’m supposed to be. I feel like I’m being pulled in the right direction. Maybe thats why I never felt like I was ever being pulled in any direction before, because I was already where I belong. I remember the drive here, with all our stuff in 2 U-Haul trucks. I remember feeling that pull for the first time, but I didn’t really understand it. But, I think I do now. I mean, like, every time I visit home, I feel soooooo much better. Like I can actually breath for once. Here I just feel like theres not enough oxygen for me. I feel like at any given moment the walls around me will close in and choke me to death. Not physically, ya know, but in my mind, I guess. I literally feel like I’m living on Auto-Pilot. I just go through the motions a lot of the time. I need a change. That change is to go back home for a while. The thing is, I don’t think my parents are going to let me. We don’t have the money. Driving that far alone is too dangerous. Dad doesn’t wanna be on the road on his day off. Mom will miss me too much. Kristofer will be bummed, but he doesn’t wanna be away from Mom for that long. Mehhhhh. Its always something. How about, if I don’t go, I may go off the deep end. If I don’t go, I may need to be locked up. If I don’t go, my depression will just get worse. IDK anymore. Like, I seriously feel like I’m nuts sometimes because all I have to look forward to is nothing except another trip to Oregon. But sooner or later, those will stop. Then what will I do? Maybe I will really go crazy. Who knows. Not even I wanna be around to see that.