Running to Everything I Need.

Ever feel like you’re running to something, at the same time you’re running away from something else? Thats kind of how I feel today. I’m running to home, while I’m running away from home. Still with me? I’m running to my real home, and running away from this crazed life I’m trying to live right now. This isn’t where I’m supposed to be. I feel like I’m being pulled in the right direction. Maybe thats why I never felt like I was ever being pulled in any direction before, because I was already where I belong. I remember the drive here, with all our stuff in 2 U-Haul trucks. I remember feeling that pull for the first time, but I didn’t really understand it. But, I think I do now. I mean, like, every time I visit home, I feel soooooo much better. Like I can actually breath for once. Here I just feel like theres not enough oxygen for me. I feel like at any given moment the walls around me will close in and choke me to death. Not physically, ya know, but in my mind, I guess. I literally feel like I’m living on Auto-Pilot. I just go through the motions a lot of the time. I need a change. That change is to go back home for a while. The thing is, I don’t think my parents are going to let me. We don’t have the money. Driving that far alone is too dangerous. Dad doesn’t wanna be on the road on his day off. Mom will miss me too much. Kristofer will be bummed, but he doesn’t wanna be away from Mom for that long. Mehhhhh. Its always something. How about, if I don’t go, I may go off the deep end. If I don’t go, I may need to be locked up. If I don’t go, my depression will just get worse. IDK anymore. Like, I seriously feel like I’m nuts sometimes because all I have to look forward to is nothing except another trip to Oregon. But sooner or later, those will stop. Then what will I do? Maybe I will really go crazy. Who knows. Not even I wanna be around to see that.


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