Chains and Locks

Freedom. Its that one thing we always want, yet we never will. Always wanting to fly, but the wind is blowing to hard. You can see it, just sitting in front of you. Will you take your chance? Or are you chained to something. Whatever I’m chained to, it feels pretty solid. Meant to keep me here for a long time. I’ve tried everything including bulk cutters and a chain saw, and here I still sit. Im all too familiar with being chained down. Nowhere to go. Nothing to run to. Cant get away from whats chasing you long enough to take a breath. No matter how hard you try, or how badly you want it, its just out of reach. Sometimes I think that what I will always need will always be just out of reach. I run, I climb, I jump. Nothing. I get down on my knees and beg. Still, nothing. I feel so empty handed and broken hearted at the end of the day. The lights go out, and I helplessly spend another night grieving and drowning in my and my family’s sorrow. Its that chain, pulling me down again, deep into murky waters, its impossible to see the surface. I cant even surface for air. Im drowning but I wont die. Thats how it feels. Except, somehow I’m not even in water. I’m in a dried up, dead and dusty desert. I cry out with my drowned out voice, but its useless. I could scream and cry and suffer forever and a day. Still, nothing. Ive got to drown til morning comes and I can finally sleep. Theres something comforting about a sunrise. Maybe its because I know someone out there is awake, and I feel less alone. Maybe its just because the darkness is gone. My eyes are heavy, swollen from tears that forced their way out without permission. Maybe, just maybe, I can sleep a while. I wake, and my body is heavier than my muscles can manage. My limbs are limp and my throat is rough and dry. I can even think about breathing through my nose. My vision is blurred and the headache I have is completely overwhelming me. Thats what I get for allowing myself to feel anything. Coffee. Food. Aspirin. More coffee. Smile, smile. Good morning. Love you too. Im fine, really. Just couldnt sleep. More coffee. Food. TV. Yes, Im ok, Im just tired. Maybe I’ll nap… Theres no way to break the cycle. Not even getting what I want breaks it. It doesnt break it because its temporary happiness. I cant keep it. It doesnt belong to me anymore. And still, its all I want. Its all I’ll ever want. I’ll keep running to it, until I break my legs. I just want my life back.  My life wasnt perfect, but it was mine. I had everything I ever wanted or needed, and then it was just gone. Like rainfall here. An hour after it rains, theres not even a trace of wetness on the ground. Not one tear drop is left. Maybe thats because the rain isnt welcome here. Everyone hates it and is grumpy to it. Maybe thats why it leaves in such a hurry. But thats not why my happiness is gone so fast. Its because I am chained. Once I barely get a taste of my old life, it pulls me back. Im clutching to everything I can get my hands on, bleeding for everything I cant let go of and wont, but the chain is stronger. Like a riptide. Like a bulldozer. Like pushing the gas petal down and hating yourself for it, hating that you dont have the guts to tell your parents no and turn the car around. My heart and my soul is in pieces on the ground. I think I ran out of glue a long time ago. Or I just cant find it. I’ll run to everything I need forever, and because of the chains and locks, nothing. Still… nothing. Just, nothing…

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