I’ve just been thinking about this past year. I often re-read my posts, because this blog is sort of like my public journal, except I write in it like its my person journal. I’ve never posted so much in my life. If you look at 2008, I think there’s somewhere around 15 posts maybe, and 2009 there’s only 2. One of those, if I remember correctly, was also from after I moved.
My year wasn’t measured by the calendar year, nor the school calendar year. My year began October 1st. The day I moved. This day threw my life so off balance and out of control that it should be named a national day of mourning. I lost everything I had ever known that day, most of which I never got back.
Most people don’t really think its that big of a deal anymore, because it feels like it was forever ago. To me, it feels like the longest and shortest expanse of time I have ever experienced.
Longest, because it feels like I’ve been depressed for so long that there is no way out, and because I haven’t seen my friends more than a total of 10 days in the last 10 1/2 months.
Shortest, because I still hurt like I did the day I had to force myself to put the car in gear and push down the gas petal. Because I cant shake the memories that come to me in my dreams. Because I cant help but cry over my loss.
My mom told me, before we moved, that moving can feel like someone died. The sorrow and pain can be that great. Honestly, sometimes that feels like such an understatement. It didn’t feel like just one person had died. I felt like my entire life had died. I had died, but somehow I was still breathing. It was like being kept on life support against my will, always in agony, always just wanting to let go completely. But, at the same time, I held on with every ounce of strength I had left in me, because I wasn’t strong enough to let go. And I’m still not.
I can close my eyes and see everything. My sweet and sorrowful memories play across my eyelids like a movie on the big screen. Its the only thing I have left to run to, its the only thing that makes me able to keep going. If I ever forget even a second of my old life, I wont be able to handle everything anymore. I feel like I’m desperately holding on to something not quite tangible, not quite within my reach anymore. Its like trying to hold water in your hands, it just trickles out and eventually its gone. You try to drink the water in your hands, but you can never quite get it all.
That’s how I constantly feel. Like everything is just slipping away from me. Why cant I get a hold on things?