Lost Within Myself.

I’ve just been thinking about this past year. I often re-read my posts, because this blog is sort of like my public journal, except I write in it like its my person journal. I’ve never posted so much in my life. If you look at 2008, I think there’s somewhere around 15 posts maybe, and 2009 there’s only 2. One of those, if I remember correctly, was also from after I moved.

My year wasn’t measured by the calendar year, nor the school calendar year. My year began October 1st. The day I moved. This day threw my life so off balance and out of control that it should be named a national day of mourning. I lost everything I had ever known that day, most of which I never got back.

Most people don’t really think its that big of a deal anymore, because it feels like it was forever ago. To me, it feels like the longest and shortest expanse of time I have ever experienced.

Longest, because it feels like I’ve been depressed for so long that there is no way out, and because I haven’t seen my friends more than a total of 10 days in the last 10 1/2 months.

Shortest, because I still hurt like I did the day I had to force myself to put the car in gear and push down the gas petal. Because I cant shake the memories that come to me in my dreams. Because I cant help but cry over my loss.

My mom told me, before we moved, that moving can feel like someone died. The sorrow and pain can be that great. Honestly, sometimes that feels like such an understatement. It didn’t feel like just one person had died. I felt like my entire life had died. I had died, but somehow I was still breathing. It was like being kept on life support against my will, always in agony, always just wanting to let go completely. But, at the same time, I held on with every ounce of strength I had left in me, because I wasn’t strong enough to let go. And I’m still not.

I can close my eyes and see everything. My sweet and sorrowful memories play across my eyelids like a movie on the big screen. Its the only thing I have left to run to, its the only thing that makes me able to keep going. If I ever forget even a second of my old life, I wont be able to handle everything anymore. I feel like I’m desperately holding on to something not quite tangible, not quite within my reach anymore. Its like trying to hold water in your hands, it just trickles out and eventually its gone. You try to drink the water in your hands, but you can never quite get it all.

That’s how I constantly feel. Like everything is just slipping away from me. Why cant I get a hold on things?

Stretched in a million directions…

Sometimes I wonder why everything just seems so out of control for me. It really doesn’t make sense. My daily life is completely calm and routine. But everything in my head is racing at a million miles an hour, and I cant seem to stop it. Its not easy to feel like your on the outside looking in at your old life. I want to BE in my old life, you know? I want to fall in love all over again. I want to go to my friends birthday parties. I want to share my birthday with everyone I love so dearly…

But I cant, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t actually want to turn back the clock. I just want to finally go back to where I know I belong. Back into the arms of…. back to my friends… I want to belong somewhere again. I want to wake up and smile because there is Oregon rain on the window. I want to actually want to graduate, at my own school, with my friends. I really didn’t think all that was a big deal until I didn’t have it anymore.

The Letter, Part 2

Well, I’m a little suprised by today, to be honest.

This morning I woke up with a voice mail on my cell phone from a number I didnt recognize. I had gotten a couple calls from this number yesterday, and I figured if it was important that they would eventually leave a message or something. Well, turns out that someone did leave a message, finally.

“Hey…Its Robert…Give me a call when you can…”

I had to listen to it 2 or 3 times before reality hit me. The first thing I though is, he read the little note I slipped into the letter I sent his mom that I could have only hoped he would read. He actually called me, just to say hi.

I called the number back and left a message. I was in the parking lot of Hastings when he called me. I almost didnt answer it, but I got a grip. We talked about the randomest things, just like old times. He said Gabby was doing good and growing like crazy. I really cant wait to see her again. Mom still lives in their apartment, alone :(.

He’s not doing football this year. Something about money that his foster parents cant pay. I wish I could have helped somehow, because I know how much he loves football.

We talked about my birthday. He said he might send me Herald (his stuffed white tiger with blue eyes that he sent with me when I moved to keep me company, which I gave back after we broke up) and a birthday card. That would be nice. Herald is a cuddly stuffed animal. Lots of memories, haha.

Wow, I can be so emotional. Here I am talking about how happy I am that he called and I’m ready to cry. The tears are welling up in my eyes. I guess I just miss him, thats all. I really wanna go home and see everyone I miss, but I’m going camping instead. Dont get me wrong, its gunna be fun, but when your still crying 10 months after you move, that means you still need your friends every once in a while.

Anyway… so I went and checked the mail. I got a letter with a return address I recognized. My old address. I seriously wasnt expecting that, because I dont recall giving any contact information in my letter. I didnt really want to hear back. But, I am glad she wrote me. Its nice to know that a nice lady and her family are living in my house now. Ugh, here I go crying again. Im really glad, actually, that she is a believer in Christ. That really means alot to me, I dont know why, but it does.

She gave me some encouraging words, and shared her move-in story. She left an email address, so I sent her an email. She said I am always welcome to write or visit whenever I’m in town. I can tell shes a nice lady.

What an emotional day…

The Letter

Yesterday I sent a letter. I dont know if it will be read, or just tossed out. I dont know if it will touch a heart, or just be disreguarded. I cried over it, but the reader will probably never know. This letter will probably arrive tomorrow to the “Sent To” address on the pretty envelope I sent it in. The return address only says “Bekah. Boise, ID”. Where did I send this letter to? And why didnt I self address it? I sent it home. I wrote about how I used to live in that house and how I have many fond memories made within those walls. I told who ever might read it which room was mine. I told them how my mom and I painted every interior wall in that house except the kitchen. I told them that I hope they make many memories of there own, and I said that I hope the house treats them well, and that they treat the house well in return.
I’ve written many letters like this since I’ve moved. All of them were pointless. It was pointless to send the one I did, but my heart told me to. I dont think I’ll ever know if they read it or how they feel about what I said. I gave no means of writing back or contacting me. I did that mostly because I dont think I want to know. I dont want to know weather they have the heart to write me back, rather than just throw the letter away and not think about it.
I think its amazing how I torture myself. I do it all the time. I can close my eyes and instantly be back home, right where I want to be. I can remember almost every tiny detail about everything that I enjoy, even more so of the parts I didnt like so much, but I am back where I am happy nonetheless. I have stayed in my happy place for probably hours before, never wanting to open my eyes, and eventually I cross the line into where it feels real and I am truely happy. Somehow I shut out everything around me, noise, pain, what I see, even the feeling of whatever is around me. Im home, thats it. Nothing else. I dream on and I feel like its just another day in the life I was forced to leave behind. Suddenly something forces me to open my eyes and its all vanishes before I can close them again. Lost. I realize where I am. Here. In the wretched place. Tears fall like rain that cant be stopped. I shutter and shake, gasping for air as all the muscles in my body contract, tightening to avoid pain. Except, nothing can stop this pain. Its impossible. Its like something crushing me until I am no more than dirt in the ground. Its punishing.
I dont know how I survive going through this everyday…