The Letter

Yesterday I sent a letter. I dont know if it will be read, or just tossed out. I dont know if it will touch a heart, or just be disreguarded. I cried over it, but the reader will probably never know. This letter will probably arrive tomorrow to the “Sent To” address on the pretty envelope I sent it in. The return address only says “Bekah. Boise, ID”. Where did I send this letter to? And why didnt I self address it? I sent it home. I wrote about how I used to live in that house and how I have many fond memories made within those walls. I told who ever might read it which room was mine. I told them how my mom and I painted every interior wall in that house except the kitchen. I told them that I hope they make many memories of there own, and I said that I hope the house treats them well, and that they treat the house well in return.
I’ve written many letters like this since I’ve moved. All of them were pointless. It was pointless to send the one I did, but my heart told me to. I dont think I’ll ever know if they read it or how they feel about what I said. I gave no means of writing back or contacting me. I did that mostly because I dont think I want to know. I dont want to know weather they have the heart to write me back, rather than just throw the letter away and not think about it.
I think its amazing how I torture myself. I do it all the time. I can close my eyes and instantly be back home, right where I want to be. I can remember almost every tiny detail about everything that I enjoy, even more so of the parts I didnt like so much, but I am back where I am happy nonetheless. I have stayed in my happy place for probably hours before, never wanting to open my eyes, and eventually I cross the line into where it feels real and I am truely happy. Somehow I shut out everything around me, noise, pain, what I see, even the feeling of whatever is around me. Im home, thats it. Nothing else. I dream on and I feel like its just another day in the life I was forced to leave behind. Suddenly something forces me to open my eyes and its all vanishes before I can close them again. Lost. I realize where I am. Here. In the wretched place. Tears fall like rain that cant be stopped. I shutter and shake, gasping for air as all the muscles in my body contract, tightening to avoid pain. Except, nothing can stop this pain. Its impossible. Its like something crushing me until I am no more than dirt in the ground. Its punishing.
I dont know how I survive going through this everyday…


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