Well… 10 days til Hillary’s graduation. I probably wont be there… I guess even though my heart is breaking I still cant be there. No money, dad cant get time off, I am a young woman and I shouldnt be driving that distance alone. Its the same thing every time. And of course when Hillary needs me most I cant be there. Her life is a real crap storm right now and I cant be there to hug her and tell her everything is going to be ok, no matter how much I want to or how much I hate being 8 hours away.
I have been in a real funk lately. Its like… the sadness wont leave. I ask nicely, I beg, I plead, I scream at it and I threaten to punch it in the face and yet it stays. This sadness refuses to be shown the front door to my life. So day after day I sleep… I spend the time that I am awake in front of the flat screen or staring at the walls. I hardly ever leave the house anymore. I would go to Student Venture and Bible Study every week but now that the summer is almost here we arent having meetings anymore. I dont even bother with church because someone is always asking if I’m ok. NO. I’m not ok. Thanks.
My heart is broken. This isnt right. I keep holding onto the hope of moving back home but there really is none. Any little thing that may lead to even possibly going home is always a dud. So here we are, a broken family of broken hearts, waiting.
Yes, I am aware that I am 18 now, but that doesnt mean I can leave. Yea, I could get a job and save up and get things figured out for myself but that doesnt mean thats what I SHOULD be doing. Everyday that I am here I am forced to choose between my family and my friends… my friends and home. In my mind I choose both and have a happy ending, but it doesnt work that way apparently. Sometimes I really do feel like happy endings were only made up… a fake hope that all people hold onto to keep going. I know thats not true but ughhhh it feels like it some days.
All I want is to go home… just for a couple days….
So I need to figure out a way to do my last 5 classes this summer. Summer school only offers a block schedule for 3 classes. I have 5 that need to be done. I don’t think Night school goes through the summer. That leaves online classes. I am way too unmotivated to do online anymore. I just cant do it. So now I’m stuck and I have no idea what to do because I told my dad I would try to graduate by summer. If I went back to school next year (for a 6th year) I could do 3 classes first semester and 2 the last semester and finish that way but then I wont even be allowed to participate in the graduation ceremony because I wouldn’t be a “full time student” UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don’t know what to do. HELP ME!