I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. I do that a lot anyway, but I’ve been thinking about how I have changed rather than how I want things to change. As a person and as a daughter of Christ, I have truly changed a lot since I moved to Meridian. I still dont like it and I still wish I could move back home, but being here has just changed me. Maybe people cant see it on the outside. I still do nothing all day, I still cry sometimes over stupid things that wont change, but I see the difference in me. Its hard to explain. Its like the way I think is evolving. And I think less about me and more about God. Its not just “I love you God” anymore, its truly deep thinking about who I am in Him and why I was put in this situation. I just started reading this book called Thorn In the Flesh. Its opened my eyes to how God can use these issues, the painful unending suffering, to bring us closer to Him and to help us grow. I knew that God does everything for a reason but I didnt really understand it until now. Pain isnt always the result of sin, but the result of LOVE. After all, God is Love. He loves me enough to do whatever it takes to bring me closer to Him. 🙂
Hello again, friends.
There has been some big things on my heart this week. God has been blatantly asking me to love Him by loving myself. How? By becoming healthy, dear readers. If you have known me for any expanse of time, you know how badly I have wanted to lose weight. The need for me to like how I look started waaaay back when I was 11 (a whole 8 years ago). Many think that it is just a “teenage girl thing” to want to look like super models and attract boys of all kinds by our looks. Honestly, I was one of those girls. Sadly enough, my nick-name in the 6th grade was The Elephant. I wasnt actually that overweight back then, mostly “baby fat” as my mom called it. But, nevertheless, I still wanted to feel pretty. I have never had an eating disorder, only a disorder of the heart. I longed to be wanted. I became extremely lonely after leaving school. I was tired of the bullying, all initiated by my supposed “best friend”. I spent many hours alone in my room, feeling ugly but not having the will to do something about it.
I went back to school my freshman year, tired of being lonely. I straightened my curly hair every morning, did up my face to Cosmo Girl Mag’s specifications, and wore not-so-modest clothing to make myself feel prettier. I just wanted someone to notice me.
I could go on and on about how I got from there to here, but it would make this an entirely too long post, friends. I will, instead, tell you who I am today: a young woman ready to fight for her health. I am overweight. I think on the BMI scale, I am actually considered obese. I am nearing 250 pounds these days, and I am not happy about it. Also, I have recently learned that I have a fatty liver. That may not seem that bad, and does not effect me on a daily basis, but really its a scary thought. Ponder this a moment, friends: if I have fat on my liver, where else might I have fat that should not be there? My doctor told me that a fatty liver is a indication that other organs in my body may have fat deposits as well. That opens up an array of possibilities. If I dont start taking care of myself, I could very well end up with Liver Disease, Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure (which I already have), and many other things. The point is, Fat = BAD.
So, what am I to do about all of this? FIGHT.
I have decided it is time to finally fight the fat. This is not about feeling beautiful anymore, friends. This is about doing what I can to nurture my body back to help, with plenty of God’s help. This is a fight to be healthy, no matter what it takes.
My weapons? Knowledge, Willpower, Effort, Healthy food, a good pair of NB walking shoes and GOD.
Oh and dont forget, LOVE for myself and my health.