In my last post I challenged myself to be more open with the people around me. I honestly didnt think that I would be able to do it. I dont like talking about my problems and I dont like letting people see the uglier side of me. Its way too stressful and it hurts way too much. It leaves me feeling so helpless and vulnerable. Everything gets to me after I have opened up my heart to someone. I dont know how to let down my walls just to one person for a little while and then put them back up and put my brave face back on. Maybe thats because I shouldnt be trying to clam up again, but being vulnerable scares me to death. I HATE IT. I want to keep all of this ugly, nasty, toxic, unhealthy stuff inside so no one has to see it, but I cant anymore. A very good friend of mine helped me see that last night. She showed me what I am doing to myself by not talking. She helped me realize that I really do need to start taking care of myself, even though I really dont want to try. I am extremely thankful for you, girl. You know who you are. You truly have been sent to me by God to help me get through all of this and clean up the mess that is my life.
I feel like with very time I write, my words become more honest and vulnerable. My friends have taught me how to do that. Anyone on the outside would say that this is a good thing, but sometimes I don’t really think it is. I don’t want people to see me hurting. I don’t want anyone to worry or show me any pity to be completely honest. A lot of times I feel like reaching out, I just think that everyone has their own problems and don’t need the stress of mine weighing on me. Lately I even feel like I don’t want to tell God whats going on and I absolutely hate that. I know that he wants to hear what I have to say but I don’t want to say it in the first place. I want to let my newer friends in and let them see who I am but I don’t want them to see the side of me I try so hard to conceal. I wonder if anyone ever sees the pain in my eyes. I can feel the tears trying to ruin my composure. I wonder if anyone ever really wonders if I’m ok. If you do, thank you. If you are wondering that about me, I’m probably not ok. My challenge to myself this week is go be more open with the people around me. I want to be vulnerable and welcoming and honest. I want to encourage you to do the same with your friends and peers.
I am not a happy person at the moment. I feel like crying, actually. I keep having the urge to punch a wall or scream so loud that I lose my voice. Even in my silent fits of overwhelming anger and sadness, God is speaking to my heart. He knows how I feel, he understands. I want to cry, and he is there to dry my tears every single time. It truly amazes me how I can just be so negative and still he wants me. I can blow up at someone over something really dumb, and he forgives me. I can be so upset that I can’t control myself anymore, and still my God is holding onto me so lovingly and gently. I feel worthless, but Jesus gave his life for me. The sinless man gave his life so that I could be forgiven for every nasty thing I’ve said and every mean thing I’ve ever done.