Gosh, the rain really does remind me of home. Tigard, being just outside of Portland, gets lots of rain. I grew up in the rain. I’ve been dancing in it since as far back as I can remember. I am fascinated by it, really. Rain makes things grow. Rain waters the Earth so that we can drink the freshly recycled water. Rain is a beautiful blessing sent from God Himself just for all the living things that reside here.
I really do feel as though I belong in the rain. I used to not care at all if it was 100 degrees outside or a mere 20. I would still be out in the rain. Today I am achy and feeling a little depressed, so I am inside admiring from the windows and playing my guitar a little, just to keep my mind off of things.
I cant decide if I need coffee or more sleep, but one or the other is certainly in order right about now. Maybe some hot tea and a nice blanket will do. I just want to enjoy the rain while it’s here, because it doesn’t visit nearly enough as I would like it to. I will watch it dampen the last of the leaves on the trees, make puddles on the pavement, and let it flood my mind with memories of home…
I have felt sick to my stomach all day. Actually, for days. I dont want to sound overly dramatic, but I am falling apart. I am so stressed out that I cant function hardly. I just want to throw up. I want to crawl into a cave and stay there. I cant hardly eat. I cant sleep. I cant think. Hell, I cant even cry. Not even when I try to cry just to let it out. NOPE. I just wish things would get better, but I know they wont until I make a change. AND IT SUCKS. Why does everything always have to be on my shoulders? Why cant I just be a CHILD for once? Even my close friends are telling me that I’m falling apart, and that I cant do this anymore.
I left my house all upset ON MY DADS BIRTHDAY. I tried and tried to be nice and be a good daughter to him and whatever but I just snapped. I feel like a horrible person. I hate myself. I know I shouldnt, but I do and I dont know how to change it. I just wanna sit here and cry until I cant anymore and then cry some more.
My mother is so pissed at me that she wont even talk to me. My dad probably wouldnt even look at me even if I was around him. He probably hates me, just because he can. A big part of me feels like he already hated me. I dont know what the hell I did to deserve ANY OF THIS. But apparently I did something really fucking horrible because I am like A SLAVE to my family. Part of it is them using me constantly for everything they dont want to do, but part of it is also my own guilt. I have been caring for them and being a parent to ALL of them for so long that I ACTUALLY FEEL LEGIT GUILT WHEN I AM NOT THERE FOR THEM 100% OF THE TIME.
THATS MESSED UP.
I do love my family. I love them with all of my heart. I just cant do this anymore.
I have so much to say, but I honestly dont know how to say it all. I’ve been here a thousand times before, and I have yet to really know how to let myself be vulnerable and just break down when I need to. I can tell that my emotional and mental health is slowly slipping, dissipating into nothing at all. My body aches and is always tense. My stomach constantly feels ill. I cant think straight. I stutter. I shake. I’m losing it.
I spent more time here at my friend’s home than in my own home. I just wish I could make everything better, but I cant. I’ve tried way too many times. Each and every time ends in heartbreak and disappointment. It leaves scars on my heart that will probably never fade.
Yes, I understand that this is all making me into the person I will someday be, but I honestly dont feel like I’m strong enough to do this anymore.
I just thought of this song, I enjoy the lyrics:
Strong Enough by Matthew West