Hating Myself Tonight.

I have felt sick to my stomach all day. Actually, for days. I dont want to sound overly dramatic, but I am falling apart. I am so stressed out that I cant function hardly. I just want to throw up. I want to crawl into a cave and stay there. I cant hardly eat. I cant sleep. I cant think. Hell, I cant even cry. Not even when I try to cry just to let it out. NOPE. I just wish things would get better, but I know they wont until I make a change. AND IT SUCKS. Why does everything always have to be on my shoulders? Why cant I just be a CHILD for once? Even my close friends are telling me that I’m falling apart, and that I cant do this anymore.

I left my house all upset ON MY DADS BIRTHDAY. I tried and tried to be nice and be a good daughter to him and whatever but I just snapped. I feel like a horrible person. I hate myself. I know I shouldnt, but I do and I dont know how to change it. I just wanna sit here and cry until I cant anymore and then cry some more.

My mother is so pissed at me that she wont even talk to me. My dad probably wouldnt even look at me even if I was around him. He probably hates me, just because he can. A big part of me feels like he already hated me. I dont know what the hell I did to deserve ANY OF THIS. But apparently I did something really fucking horrible because I am like A SLAVE to my family. Part of it is them using me constantly for everything they dont want to do, but part of it is also my own guilt. I have been caring for them and being a parent to ALL of them for so long that I ACTUALLY FEEL LEGIT GUILT WHEN I AM NOT THERE FOR THEM 100% OF THE TIME.

THATS MESSED UP.

I do love my family. I love them with all of my heart. I just cant do this anymore.

I CANT.

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