Confessions of a Sporadic Blogger

I CRAVE attention.

I dont always realize that I’m standing when everyone else is sitting, metaphorically.

“Hey! LOOK AT ME! I’m sad. I’m depressed. My family life sucks.” I silently scream it.

When will I learn that I have all of the attention I need, plus some?

How long will it really take me to understand the truth? The REAL truth, not just what the media tells me.

I have the attention. I have the love. I have wonderful people in my life, whom I adore. I have every reason to be happy. I have the one who IS LOVE. 

So, why am I not happy? Why do I spend my days out and about, carrying on without a care only to bear my deepest pain in the privacy the dark brings? Why aren’t the people and activities and deep conversations and worship enough?

I go to church 3 times every week. Its still not enough. I am actually socializing and living a little. Its still not enough. I enjoy small moments. I talk. I love. I share myself with others. I try to be transparent and vulnerable. Its still not enough. I laugh. I eat what I want and I hike hills to see the entire city and its lights at night. I watch the sunrise with my 2 very best friends with lipstick war-paint on our faces in the middle of nowhere with a camera at hand. Its still just not enough. I quit my addictions. Its still just never enough, and somehow way too much. 

 

I need to believe in my heart that I am enough, and I’m not too much. I’m not beyond salvation. I have all that I will ever need because I have Jesus

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